Do you have a friend whom you call every once in a while and you just know he won’t answer? So every two or three days you move one step closer to the establishment of a really strong close relationship with his answering machine? You know he will call one day, when he remembers, but until then it’s just you and that little machine.

And you’re so sick and tired of leaving the same message – “Hey Budge, Paul again. Call me when you can.” Over and over. How boring.

Well I’ve taken it upon myself to leave different messages. The friend knows it’s me, knows I want him to get off his arse and call, so whatever words I leave really don’t matter. Here are some examples:

“Hey Budge, it’s Barbara Streisand here. Mate, do you have my jewfro? I need it. Call me and let me know when I can get it from you. I think you’ve had it long enough.”

“Budge, this is Nelson Mandela. Please keep this between you and me. Everyone is talking about how I took the presidency to ensure justice and democracy. But really I did it for the diamonds. The diamonds, Budge, the diamonds!”

“Hi Budge, it’s your right nipple here. Mate, you know that thing you do in the shower that you think is cool. Well, umm, it’s not, so, umm, please stop it.”

“G’day Budge, it’s Mars here. You know, the planet. Umm, you left your sneakers with me. I think you should come get them soon, ’cause you know NASA will be here soon, and the secret will be out. I’d send them to you, but, you know, I’m in orbit, so, umm, call me.”

And my personal favourite:

“Budge, hi it’s your answering machine. Yeah I know – long time no talk – have been busy – you know the drill. Uh mate can you do me a favour? Just say, umm, hi to the fridge for me? You know her, she’s not talking much to you or me or anyone right now. She’s in her own space and all that. Just tell the fridge I’m here. She knows how I feel.”

Feel free to use them if you’re inclined, and substitute Budge for your friend’s name of course. That would make them so confusing otherwise.