Last week I knelt by my bed and placed my hands together and said, “Dear God, if it’s not too much trouble, please find me new ways to pleasure my partner, get me some cheap Microsoft software, and direct me to a new oil company that I can invest my money in. A herbal medicine that could lengthen my you-know-what would also be appreciated.”

My faith was increased, as was my inbox the very next day. And the next day. And the day after that.

I know it was God who sent me these emails, as they were writeen some divine language that I could not quite decipher, as:

The rose, without which
we could not waste him
no such possible sustainability
pleasure her so

God, I thank you for your trouble. But you can stop sending the emails now.