5 years ago tonight I was ordained into the ministry in the Uniting Church in Australia. This means I have finally graduated from the level of “newbie” to the level of “little dude”.

Being a denomination that has no bishops or monsignors, ordained ministers progress along a system of levels, kinda like the coloured belts in Judo. Each level carries with it no real ministry powers or responsibilities, but there are a few non-financial allowances.

For instance I can now give any newbie a wedgie, so long as there is no minister of higher level in the room.

I am also eligible to sit the exorcist exams, for which I have been practising for a couple of months. I can now, with 95% accuracy, cast out all the chocolate from an unbroken M&M. Cool, huh?

Too much detail to go into all the levels, but the final level is called the black-belt-high-swat, which is rarely awarded to the ordained before retirement. Only the high-swats are allowed to wear goatees or ties with shorts, unless they are full-time high school chaplains.